Thursday, December 31, 2009

I want a Harry Goldenblatt.

Monday, December 28, 2009

I think Benadryl gives me the most crazy vivid dreams. Two nights in a row now I've woken up absolutely stunned at what my mind concocted in my sleep. Too personal to blog. :-P

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Complexicated

Life is confusing. But these things I know:

1. I am absolutely in love with my friends, who are truly my second family. They know me, and know what I need. I love each and every one of them exactly the way they are, and would be lost without them.

2. My cat is amazing, as are all nice pets, because they love you no matter what. When I'm sad or lonely, Tigerlily's there to cuddle. She is super perfect.

3. I will always buy shoes that I don't need.

5. I like meeting new people that I click with, especially when they are cute boys.

6. I want to feel better about myself next semester.

Otherwise, life is too complicated to make blanket statements about almost anything.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

It's nice to feel good again.

Friday, December 18, 2009

I don't know if I'll ever be satisfied.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Not Studying for My Final = Spontaneous Blog

I am such a bad blogger. I could absolutely never be a writer. I just don't usually enjoy it very much.

I'm having a string of good days. Good night last night, very fun and happy. One more week left for finals, then I can take my kitty and my Katie and flee Kirksville for a good few weeks. I am so sick of this place right now. I love the comfort of my house and our Christmas lights and even my uncomfortable bed, but otherwise this place just seems so toxic and suffocating at the moment. I need a definite breather.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

No Sound But The Wind by Editors

We can never go home
We no longer have one
I'll help you carry the load
I'll carry you in my arms
The kiss of the snow
The crescent moon above us
Our blood is cold
And we're alone
But I'm alone with you

Help me to carry the fire
We will keep it alight together
Help me to carry the fire
It will light our way forever

Monday, November 30, 2009

I know it sounds stupid, and juvenile, and cliched, and all those other things that I hate and hate being, but I honestly don't know if I'm going to be okay.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Kahlil Gibran on Love

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest
branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become
sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

I think I'm finally pleased with these colors for my blog.

Also: today was a decent day. Not getting my hopes up for tomorrow or the weekend or break, but it's nice to know good days still exist, even if they're not as good as I remember them.

I keep wanting to blog about Skin and then end up blogging about something else, but when I get this week over with I'll have the time to sit down and clear my head and really think about it. I want to talk the crap out of my experience during that show.

Stay tuned.

Monday, November 16, 2009

I wish I didn't get lonely so easily.

I feel like I don't know myself anymore. I want to get back to the happy I used to have, but with someone else. Or with no one at all.

I just want to get over it and move on. More than anything.

Sometimes I hate him. Sometimes, when I think back, I am so angry. And sometimes I am sad, and sometimes I am unsure. Sometimes I feel pathetic and hopeless.

But even when I smile and laugh and am enjoying time with my friends and people who love me, I can never feel as happy as I once did. I can't seem to find that feeling again. And I feel completely robbed of my happiness. As mature as I try to be about it, and as reasonable and logical as I try to be, that won't go away. I feel absolutely used. Used for selfishness and a test of self-worth. Used as a tool for someone to find out what was right for him, disregarding entirely what was right for me. I'm so sick of being told what's right for me, rather than letting me figure it out for myself.

And I really don't know what to do about all of that. It's an incredibly helpless feeling.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

This Is The First Day Of My Life

I am posting the following song lyrics, not because I'm trying to secretly say they relate everything my words cannot, but because it came up on my shuffle, and every time I hear this song it really touches me. Beautiful, simple sentiment.

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

[also: maybe just a little bit of trying to secretly say that these lyrics relate things my words cannot :-) ]

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Why is it so easy to be honest with others, but so hard to be honest with yourself?

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Come Little Children, I'll Take Thee Away...

I'm having a bit of a lonely day, which is sad because it's Halloween. So far I've looked at apartments by myself, went grocery shopping by myself, and since I got home I've just been home alone. I dressed up the animals, I'm baking pumpkin pie, I carved a pumpkin and now I'm watching Hocus Pocus for the second time and figuring how to flavor the pumpkin seeds.

Jennifer and Katie should be over soon, and I hope they hurry. I'm not used to lonely holidays. I know it's bound to happen. I'll have to get used to it.

But I don't want to. I don't want to be lonely.

Hopefully the rest of the night should turn around, decorating more, greeting trick or treaters, snacking on yummy food, then the party. Hopefully it'll be fun.

Happy Halloween.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

I am going to be okay this time. There's no need to panic or be scared, because I will be okay. And I actually, really know that.

Monday, October 26, 2009

What's this? What's this? I can't believe my eyes, I must be dreaming, wake up Jack this isn't fair! What's this?

So much can change in a year. I was just talking with a friend of mine about this, and I look back and realize how much has changed for me in the past year. I came to college. I got a role in my first college production. I fell in love and started my first serious relationship. I found out I was going to be an aunt. I spent the summer away from home in a house I could call my own, separate from my parents. I distanced myself from my family. I experienced my first breakup. I rediscovered my independence. I renewed my relationship with my then ex-boyfriend. I had my first panic attack, followed by a few more. Meanwhile, my friends and those close to me were experiencing unexpected pregnancies, engagements, rocky relationships, first college experiences, and in general, big life changes.

I wonder if this is just the time in our lives when the most change occurs. It's probably hard to measure something like that statistically, but I still wonder. The college years. I never imagined they would be so crazy. I remember considering myself to be a pretty level person before college. Jesus christ, that changed.

Life is such a paradox. We're primed our whole young lives to prepare for the future, look ahead, have a clear vision where we're going. Yet, in relationships, I've found it's best not to plan. Looking ahead to the future only brings fear, and questioning, and paranoia. In my relationship, we keep telling ourselves to go slow, not make plans. Plans have destroyed us in the past. Where do you draw the line, though? Because lately, all I've been able to think of is the future. I've suffered and came out smiling of a bit of a crisis with my dad in regards to my major and career choices, so of course I can't help but think ahead. It is rough for me not to then transfer that to other aspects of my life. With everything that my sister has gone through this year, in addition to several other friends, all I want to do is plan. Plan my life out, so nothing can go wrong, I'll be prepared to anything.

Luckily, several of my major role models have had nice long and meaningful talks with me this week, and all have been at the general consensus that you can't predict anything. Planning is nice and well, but anything can happen. Pregnancy, death, change of heart, change of mind. I'm trying to accept this idea for its good and bad points, the bad of course being harder to accept. But I'll try. I'll do my best. That's all anyone can promise.

Right?

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Self Help and Cheesecake

I'm going to be honest: I bought a self help book today. Not because I'm severely depressed and hopeless and feel I have no way to deal with things, but because I feel I'm seeing the sun again after a long journey through the dark woods, and I want to keep on that uphill slope. I want to better understand the things that have made me happy lately and why they have made me happy, so that I can continue to live by them. Because I have been happy lately. I have felt independent and strong, yet eager to learn more about my relationship and what things I can do for myself and for him to make this work. I dig that boy.

I had brief panicky thoughts, though, when I was looking at these shelves of books today. I've always felt, I'm 19 years old, and I shouldn't have to be looking at books like that, right? Luckily Jordan was there to instill some confidence in me. There's nothing wrong or pathetic with wanting to better yourself, and gathering advice from people who've studied or lived through similar situations that you are currently living through. I want to stay happy, and I'm trying to be smart about it and think more about it, letting my rational side peek its head above the surface and take some of the heat off my overly emotional side.

I've had a nice weekend. Lots of driving, and my car pretty much hates me, but I actually managed to have a nice dinner with my parents, where I didn't get criticized for doing theatre, or living in a house, or having pets, or a number of others things my dad usually finds wrong with my lifestyle. My mom helped me run lines, and I'm feeling pretty confident about those. I had yummy sushi lunch with Katie and Lindsay, then coffee with my dear Katie. Then I got to spend a good 24 hours with Jordan, my kindred spirit. Too much money spent on food at Cheesecake Factory and wine + 17 Again and High School Musical 2 = a successful evening with one of my best and oldest friends. We went to breakfast this morning at our old tradition, Mimi's Cafe, where we were once yelled at by a snarly waitress named Jan - we'll never forget you, JanPan. Then coffee with Fiona at Muddy's, and now here I am back at home. The only thing I really needed to accomplish this weekend that I didn't was getting some reading done in The Structure of Scientific Revolutions by Thomas Kuhn for my comm class a.k.a. the bane of my existence. I have the feeling I'm just going to sparknote it anyway though, and I'm not stressed about it. It'll get done. Next up for me is hanging out with Mandy, then tomorrow morning I'm up bright and early to go pick up MaxAttax at the airport. I love the airport! And then at some point it's back to Kirksville and I get to snuggle my kitty again. I've missed her so much it's weird.

P.S. Everyone, at some point in their lives, must try White Chocolate Caramel Macademia Nut cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory. I don't think I'm had anything more decadent and delicious in quite some time.

I'm off for adventures with Kaffie. Stay happy. :-)

Saturday, October 10, 2009

(not so) new revelation: Actions speak louder than words. I am used to words. Words betrayed me in the past. It's harder to betray with actions.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Here's to hoping happiness is in fact NOT a warm gun

Things have changed. Things have definitely changed drastically in the past week.

I think I am being good about not getting caught up though, and making sure I am being logical, and that I am protecting my heart.

This is so important to me.

I have tasted my independence for the first time in over a year, and it is so incredibly sweet, and rewarding. But I am being smart. And this time, I feel I really know what I want. I'm not afraid to say when something is making me uncomfortable, or when I really need to ask about something.

I am not afraid to exert my independence this time. And this is a big, big step for me I feel.

I want to do it right. We're smarter, better (harder better faster stronger) this time.

And I'm happy. Happier than I've been in months. But it's a happiness that I know comes from both emotions and my knowledge of our history.

That's a good way to be.

[side note: this was extremely scattered and unorganized thought, i.e. word vomit via blog. please excuse me. I hope the message got across.]

Monday, September 28, 2009

Give me a reason to fall in love, take my hand and let's dance.
Give me a reason to make me smile, because I think I forgot how.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Previous post = DRUUUUUNK
I am feeling happy. And I want always to remember this, therefore I am recording it here. I need to recall the feeling of happiness. I must always have it with me. I want always to remember this.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

I Don't Do Sadness.

I found myself inspired to write in my science class today, and so I did. I wanted to blog; I feel the need to write and let my emotions out, regardless of whether or not anyone else sees what I write.

I usually write in this for other people, which is strange because I'm fairly positive no one reads this anyway. So I'm going to write this for me. I haven't been good about writing in my journal, and I really need some sort of outlet.

I am feeling so many things. Hurt, sadness, anger, insecurity, fear, betrayal. My mind never stops spinning. It is better when I'm with friends, and I have times where I'm happy. Certain things make me temporarily happy. But that's just it: it's all entirely temporary. Loneliness always finds a way to seep in, even when I'm not physically alone. It gnaws at my thoughts like a weed. Panic makes itself known too, in a very extreme and terrifying way where I can't breathe and I shake and sob uncontrollably. Panic attacks. Both times, I didn't see them coming, and had a very hard time ending them. I am a very emotional person, and I often let my feelings control me and what I do.

I was reminded today of possibly the ballsiest thing I've ever done, and it really got me thinking. I wish I could regain the courage I felt in that moment, because oh, it felt so good. Independence, release, strength. These are things I used to consider commonly seen characteristics of myself. I've lost them since, and I want them back. As much as I love Disney, I could throttle the people responsible for making me believe that everyone gets a happy ending, that true love exists, that a story is not complete until the girl gets the guy and the guy gets the girl. I know I am not alone in this. It is extremely difficult to try and understand (or even want to understand) that not every story ends happily. That we are made up of so many stories, and each of them can be important and a learning experience if we let them be. That maybe, things aren't going to work out the way you want them to. That maybe, everything's not going to be okay. You're not going to be okay.

That's such a stretched phrase, isn't it? Anytime something goes wrong, that's the first thing friends and loved ones tell you: "It's going to be okay." So then, are we just supposed to expect that everything is, in fact, going to be "okay" and completely neglect preparing for what else may happen? What happens if everything's not "okay"?

I am not being pessimistic. I am trying to be logical. I usually have such a hard time being logical, and much prefer to be romantic and impulsive. To be honest, I much prefer my romantic and impulsive side to my logical side. But I need to try and realize it's time to face the possible truth: things don't always work out. People leave, lie, and leave you broken.

I, currently, am broken. I have been broken. These impending months petrify me. I don't do sadness, in a specific interpretation of the phrase. I do not handle trauma well, and do not recover well, emotionally or otherwise. I partake in destructive behavior, do things that make me not like myself. Temporary release and distraction can be so sweet. To be honest, it is almost impossible for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. I feel empty most of my days.

But I am lucky. Because people care about me. In particular, a friend who has now become a best friend has been more than I could have asked for. Everytime I drown and desperately need saving, she is my lifeboat. She stands among others, a group of people who have helped me and carried me beyond a place I could ever have asked them to. They are what keep me afloat right now.

And above all, I am trying to recognize that this all has proven to me that I can love, and that I am capable of being loved. Maybe it wasn't right, and didn't end on my terms. But it was there. And it mattered. And it will happen for me again.

I know I will continue to feel like all of this is unfair, that I will struggle with accepting it for, possibly, quite some time. That is my curse. But it is also one of the things I like best about myself; my childlikeness, my preference of romanticism, my ability to be easily amused. It is just nice to be acknowledged. To not deal with people pretending nothing happened, pretending everything's okay, pretending I'm overreacting. I am who I am. And I don't like to hide secrets beneath the surface. It accomplishes nothing.

That, in so many words, is how I'm feeling.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

I need to do something to make myself happy again. But I have no idea what it could be.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

I easily lose respect for cowards.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Banana

I feel like I haven't blogged in awhile, even though it's only been like a week and a half. I guess because I'm not sure how I'm feeling. I'm definitely doing well. But it fluctuates everyday. Good days and bad days. But it's getting better. I want to start a new chapter.

This post was a wee bit pointless. Sorry, to anyone who actually reads this.

My kitten is cute and snuggly.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Doubt/Optimism

I am so doubtful of myself. I second guess myself all the time, and think that I don't deserve better. Why is that? And why won't it go away? I need to feel better about myself. I need to accept that I can do better, can always do better, can always strive to do better. I need a new mantra. A new way to live. Maybe it's already coming.

I am emotional. I know this. I will probably just have to accept it and learn to live with it for the rest of my life. I'd rather be emotional and impulsive than stoic and unfeeling, inexpressive. Definitely.

I just needed to get that little spurt out.

When does it get easier? What makes it easier?

In better news: reconnected with my oldest and one of my greatest friends. I can't wait to actually sit down with her (hopefully this weekend) and really start the friendlove.

Love can't save you. You must save yourself. You must love yourself. You don't have any other choice because this world is an unfair world, and people are inconsiderate and rash and unbelievable and fleeting. Protect your heart, because really, no one else protects it for you. I have now learned this. And I hope I fucking remember it.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Midafternoon

Today, I am nervously excited to start a new chapter in my life. Something happened today that made me realize I am going to be okay, and am excited to be okay. Classes start soon, and I have made new beautiful friends in recent months, and now Katie is here too.

This year is going to be completely different. I am going to have to adapt to be unlike I am used to being. But I am so ready for the challenge.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Stars

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Come back.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Weiner Authors and weiner dogs

This girl is bored. She is at work. It is early morning, and she woke up with a headache, which is strange for her. A banana and orange juice seem to be helping her a bit. She is really hoping this headache goes away and she can try to enjoy her last day temping as a secretary for Sandy.

She does not know why she is speaking in third person.

My sister and Andrew came up yesterday and moved all her stuff out. They also took Oscar. Maybe that was part of why I had a headache when I woke up; he wasn't there. I felt very lonely. Maybe it just kind of set me off balance. I miss him already. He's such a great little dog. And since we got the kitten a few days ago, it was so funny to seem them play together (playing together meaning the cat would attack the dog).

Next week Max and I are taking a trip to St. Louis, and I'm really excited about it. And his 21st birthday is tomorrow and his mommy is cooking for us tonight. Should be a nice weekend.

I don't really know how I'm feeling. But I don't need to complain about it. Just in a weird state of Limbo or something, I guess.

I finished my book Good in Bed and am now about half way through the sequel, Certain Girls. I love it. The first one was all about this young twenty something reporter named Cannie and her love life and selling her screenplay and she gets knocked up by her ex but finally finds a good man. The second one is told by two different narrators, one chapter being from Cannie's perspective , the next being told by the daughter, who is now almost 13. And what makes the books so great is that the author Jennifer Weiner used events from her own life (except for having a kid) in her stories, and that honesty is really prevalent. Plus I love stories about big girls triumphing! Woo hoo for being over a size 10 and being beautiful and successful! All hail chick lit!

I wish I could write a great book, or a screenplay. I think I would feel really good about myself and satisfied if I could. However, I'm a sucky writer.

I need to do something, though. This - whatever it is - isn't working.

Well, I'm off to drink more coffee and delve into the adventures of Cannie Shapiro. Happy Friday.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

What if it's not enough?

I'm lonely and weird right now. I'm trying to get some work done early so I can properly entertain my dear friend Kyle who's coming to visit tomorrow, and I was doing great for awhile, but now I'm wallowing and sulking and thinking too much. I tend to have a short attention span anyway, but it's much worse when I'm studying or doing any kind of school work. I'm very stressed/anxious/self-loathing right now. My car just fucked up again. I am entering a phase I haven't been in in over a year where my body disgusts me. I spend too much money and it freaks my mom out. I wonder when I lost my independence and could kill myself for letting that happen. I have a test this week and issues with my other class, and of course, we go to Kansas City this week for s.o.s. I don't know what I'm doing in regards to pretty much everything right now.

I have found that I really like cooking for people, though. And there's a gorgeous dusk sunset happening outside right now. And I'm trying to quit smoking. There are good sides to a lot right now, too.

But still, I am in this weird state of restlessness. It's not enjoyable. I was sick all day yesterday and thought I would feel great today. I woke up in a funk. I read everything anyone says as a direct comment on what I am currently doing wrong. I haven't had much of an urge to go out and do anything with anyone. I'm afraid I'm psychologically unbalanced and need to talk a counselor about my spending habits and anxiety or something. But then I think, what's the point?

This is rather depressing. I want to quote something from one of the songs I'm listening to, but I always feel whatever lyrics I put online will be misread. Meh.

I bought a new book today. Maybe that will make me feel good.

Here we go, some song lyrics.

What's the point of talking if that's not enough?

Maybe I'll never die, I'll just keep growing younger with you, and you'll grow younger too. Now it seems too lovely to be true, but I know the best things always do.

[edit]

I fear I'm incapable of learning new things. Like, I could take in a lot of new information all throughout high school, and now even with things I really want to learn about I can't remember shit about. I'm afraid it says something about how higher education isn't right for me. I'm kind of stuck, if it isn't.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Muzak

I don't want to talk about what I'm feeling right now. Too much of a giant shitstorm. Instead, I'd like to post a playlist of songs I've been listening to for the past few days: all of them awesome, all of them from Weeds. I recommend every single one of these songs.

1. All the Trees of the Field Will Clap Their Hands - Sufjan Stevens
2. Blood - Sons & Daughters
3. Birthday Video - Joey Santiago
4. Cotton - The Mountain Goats
5. David - Nellie McKay
6. Fake Purse - Joey Santiago
7. Ganja Babe - Michael Franti & Spearhead
8. If I Ever Leave This World Alive - Flogging Molly
9. Little Boxes - Melvina Reynolds
10. The Little Birds - The Be Good Tanyas
11. Satan Lend Me A Dollar - Hill of Beans
12. Bathtime in Clerkenwell - (The Real) Tuesday Weld
13. Fuck, Was I - Jenny Owen Youngs
14. Holland - Sufjan Stevens
15. It Ain't You - Squirrel Nut Zippers
16. Kicking The Heart Out - Rogue Wave
17. Not Enough - The 88
18. Wraith Pinned to the Mist and Other Games - Of Montreal
19. Borino Oro - Mucca Pazza
20. Brighter Tomorrow - Soul Swingers
21. Celia - Toots & the Maytalls
22. Don't Try To Fool Me - Miss Li
23. Head Honcho - DeVotchKa
24. How To See The Sun Rise - Ben Sollee
25. International Small Arms Traffic Blues - The Mountain Goats
26. Julia Florida - Norbert Kraft
27. Love You - Free Design
28. Made - Greg Weeks
29. New World - DeVotchKa
30. Rencuentro - Arturo Salas
31. Russian March - The New Rags
32. Thank You For Making Me Feel Better - Linus of Hollywood

That is all.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

I am such a fucking child. It scares the shit out of me. I need to scream or drive or something.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Hacking Cough (good visual, eh?)

I feel I should write since I haven't in a few days. I've had this deplorable hacking cough for several weeks now and it's not showing any really promising signs up stopping. I'm stocked up on daytime and nighttime cough medicine and cough drops, and I've quit smoking for the time being. Hopefully for a long duration of time, but no promises.

I got a small package from Max today that contained an old fashioned mini music box that plays "Here Comes The Sun," a t-shirt that says "Someone In Louisville Loves Me," and a romantic letter. I tell ya, I don't know what I've done to deserve that boy. I don't really have words right now (which is probably not good whilst blogging). I'm just the luckiest girl in the world and need not to forget that.

I haven't felt great about what I've done with Deb, the role I play in s.o.s., so far. There's such complexity to a woman who's lost her husband to depression and has to help her son cope with it while remaining strong. She has to be such a role model; the very epitome of a strong woman. What the fuck do I know about that? I'm a little girl, someone playing dress up in an older woman's clothes. I've never had to deal with anything too big or grown up or scary, and thus remain in my protective child's skin. I want to do something great with this part so badly. I feel like it's a rare opportunity, and it needs to be done right or I'll feel shitty about it for a long time. Meehh.

In other news: my house is a mess, and I have no motivation to clean. Go figure.

In other other news: still no job. Total number of places applied to in Kirksville: 17.


::Later Post::

I think I just realized I judge everyone and focus mostly on the bad parts of people, which makes me hate myself and everyone. I don't know why that happens. I wish it didn't. It should probably cease.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Little. Random. Thoughts.

I cannot sleep, and I don't know why. I hate when this happens.

I feel I have been very judgemental and mean as of late. I didn't used to be like this. I don't like myself. Like this.

Oscar is a bed hog. I much prefer sharing a bed with boyfriend.

I think Melatonin is kicking in. Hopefully.

I read a magazine today that had an article about Michael Jackson and another one about Farrah Fawcett. This magazine went to print before the two stars died. The article about Michael was making fun of his clothes, and the article about Farrah was in regards to her relationship with Ryan O Neal, and how they decided they wanted to get married soon because Farrah wanted to do it before she passed away, even if they had to nod her head for her on the I do's. They never made it that far.

I can barely stand that.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Lazy Sunday

Well here I sit, nearly 5 p.m. and I've accomplished next to nothing on my psychology homework. Plus, I have a midterm tomorrow! Good for me. I don't know why I do this to myself. I know I'm a vicious procrastinator, I've been one for years, and I never feel good about it, yet i can't seem to stop it from happening. I've taken a quiz, but I still have to write a 2-3 page paper on a case study I "performed," (i.e. spied on my neighbors and relating their behavior to psychology), finish a journal entry on two NPR segments I listened to, read a chapter, and study for the midterm. It's not like this stuff is hard or boring. In fact, I find psychology very interesting. So there is really no obvious reason why I do this. Pure laziness is my guess. Something I'm not proud of, but not sure how to cure.

I've been thinking today (and this past week) about quitting smoking. I've tried before and failed; although, failed is a weird term to use. I don't feel like a failure for not being able to do it. I just know that for whatever reason, I wasn't in a good place to quit right then. I think I turn to smoking so easily because if I didn't smoke, I would eat. Something I've battled with for a long time (ha! see, something you maybe didn't know about me! aren't blogs fun?). But I also haven't been feeling great lately, coughing a lot and such, and I'm thinking maybe it's time to try again. Not sure yet though. We'll see.

I seem to be quite indecisive about a lot of things.

I had a nice chat the other day with a friend I've made since coming to Kirksville, someone I consider to be an older sibling of sorts. We talked a lot about relationships and such. Perhaps that's why I'm procrastinating so much; I guess I've got a lot on my mind. About relationships. Not even necessarily my own relationship; I feel that particular aspect of my life is going great. Although I do get paranoid and worry for no reason, something that fella of mine is particularly fantastic at dealing with. I'm referring more to friends, people in general. My parents. And ah, my sister. My dear sister, the friend I've had for the longest duration of time in my life. I'm excited for her, and I know she's excited to. But I'm scared shitless at the same time. I know I have a hard enough time dealing with Oscar when there are other things on my mind (i.e. schoolwork). I can't imagine dealing with a baby.

Alright, "dealing with" sounds harsh. I don't mean for that to sound harsh. But hopefully you know what I mean.

Hoepfully, she is much more mature than I am. I'm sure she is. I pretend to be the more mature one, but I also pretend to be good at a lot of things I'm not very good at. Hopefully this will be the experience she's hoping for, and not the antithesis (I think I used that right).

As for the guy...I've only met him a few times, and he seems like a great guy. Given his background, I assume he'll pull through. And my sister does love him. But just to keep along with my natural paranoia and suspicions, I'm keeping my guard up. And I'm a lot more protective of my sister than I tend to show.

Inner thought to self: You should try for a happier note, Debbie Downer!

Andy is coming to visit tonight! Yay! And Sam and Roxxy get back in town. Yay! Although, I must say it's been really nice just hanging out with Dixie at home. Quite relaxing and fun. We had one night where I made guacamole and she made sweet tea and we watched The Graduate, and it was highly enjoyable. She's great. I know her the least of my roommates, but I'm hoping we can be friends.

I don't really have much else to write about, I suppose. I'm getting a bit hungry and need to get this stuff done so I can not be a party pooper tonight and actually socialize instead of hiding in my room with my homework.

Dreaming of not getting hired, s.o.s., and him lately. Sleeping too often makes me lazy.

Can't find a good way to end this. Hence, ineloquence! RHYMES!

Friday, June 26, 2009

Another Day...

Another failed attempt at finding a job. I'm starting to panic. I definitely don't care about money as much as I used to when I was younger, but I'm definitely starting to feel that adult feeling of worry over bills and rent and groceries. I've officially applied to 13 places. So far, nothing promising. Apparently I am entirely unappealing and unhirable. I feel pretty stupid and scared.

I don't know what to do.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

New Habit?

For now, I'm thinking that I'd like to start blogging. This is probably due to the fact that it's a lazy afternoon and I have no plans until rehearsal and no real plans tomorrow, and I have been searching for some strong personal creative outlet. I wish I had Sam's affinity for art, or Max's for writing. But I have neither. I just have a big jumbled brain of sludge and unconnected thoughts, and I'll have to see if this makes me feel any better. I've had a diary for a while and barely write in it, so this might be just as successful. We'll see.

Right now, I'm sitting in my living room watching Twilight with two of the roomies (male roomie left for Des Moines this afternoon and is therefore absent). The dog is laying on the chair behind my back, putting a bit too much of his nearly nonexistent weight on me. He's cute, though. He just loves to be around people so much, he's pretty unaware of how much of an inconvenience he is sometimes. I've never seen Twilight, and I think it's one of Roxxy's guilty pleasures. It's pretty entertaining so far, makes me giggle. I remember going apeshit over tween movies like this when I was the proper age, so I guess it doesn't really annoy me. Especially since I actually really like Kristen Stewart. I'm starting to see why the kids go nutso for Edward Cullen; he's much more attractive in this movie than he is in real life.

I'm a little bit afraid of this weekend. All of my roommates are going out of town (probably; one is still unsure) and it will just be me and the dog at the house. I've been getting terribly lonely lately anyway, even with all my roommates here. I guess I know why; I got extremely used to being around that Mister of mine pretty frequently, and since he's away I have extreme bouts of loneliness. Even after just two weeks, I was a pissy little mess about it. But it's gotten better. I also miss my friends back home more than I can even fathom. I hear a lot from my college friends about losing contact with high school friends, but i really hope that doesn't happen to me. I met some of the most amazing people of my life in high school, and losing them slowly over time would absolutely kill me. I wish I had one of them to talk to. I miss my freshman year roommate, Andrea, too. Man, that was quite the adventure. I wish she would visit.

But while struggling with all of this, I realize that I made the choice to be here for the summer, knowing Max would be gone and knowing I would be away from my closest friends. I know I have to grow up sometime, and that time is probably right about now. But I've never been known to be very mature; I don't know how this is all going to go. I think I have this horrible feeling that something bad is going to happen, but at the same time I can't quite figure out what that might be. Probably just my ridiculously strong anxiety kicking in. I wish I could learn to ignore it.

I kind of like this blogging thing. So far, from this one post. Baha. I think I just need to pretend that no one reads this but me. I desperately need to get my thoughts out, rather than trapping them inside as per usual, but I'm always just so afraid of someone knowing more about me than I'm comfortable with.

As I said, we'll just have to see how long this lasts. Just like with anything, I suppose.