I know it sounds stupid, and juvenile, and cliched, and all those other things that I hate and hate being, but I honestly don't know if I'm going to be okay.

Kahlil Gibran on Love

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest
branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become
sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

I think I'm finally pleased with these colors for my blog.

Also: today was a decent day. Not getting my hopes up for tomorrow or the weekend or break, but it's nice to know good days still exist, even if they're not as good as I remember them.

I keep wanting to blog about Skin and then end up blogging about something else, but when I get this week over with I'll have the time to sit down and clear my head and really think about it. I want to talk the crap out of my experience during that show.

Stay tuned.

I wish I didn't get lonely so easily.

I feel like I don't know myself anymore. I want to get back to the happy I used to have, but with someone else. Or with no one at all.

I just want to get over it and move on. More than anything.

Sometimes I hate him. Sometimes, when I think back, I am so angry. And sometimes I am sad, and sometimes I am unsure. Sometimes I feel pathetic and hopeless.

But even when I smile and laugh and am enjoying time with my friends and people who love me, I can never feel as happy as I once did. I can't seem to find that feeling again. And I feel completely robbed of my happiness. As mature as I try to be about it, and as reasonable and logical as I try to be, that won't go away. I feel absolutely used. Used for selfishness and a test of self-worth. Used as a tool for someone to find out what was right for him, disregarding entirely what was right for me. I'm so sick of being told what's right for me, rather than letting me figure it out for myself.

And I really don't know what to do about all of that. It's an incredibly helpless feeling.

This Is The First Day Of My Life

I am posting the following song lyrics, not because I'm trying to secretly say they relate everything my words cannot, but because it came up on my shuffle, and every time I hear this song it really touches me. Beautiful, simple sentiment.

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

[also: maybe just a little bit of trying to secretly say that these lyrics relate things my words cannot :-) ]

Why is it so easy to be honest with others, but so hard to be honest with yourself?