Doubt/Optimism

I am so doubtful of myself. I second guess myself all the time, and think that I don't deserve better. Why is that? And why won't it go away? I need to feel better about myself. I need to accept that I can do better, can always do better, can always strive to do better. I need a new mantra. A new way to live. Maybe it's already coming.

I am emotional. I know this. I will probably just have to accept it and learn to live with it for the rest of my life. I'd rather be emotional and impulsive than stoic and unfeeling, inexpressive. Definitely.

I just needed to get that little spurt out.

When does it get easier? What makes it easier?

In better news: reconnected with my oldest and one of my greatest friends. I can't wait to actually sit down with her (hopefully this weekend) and really start the friendlove.

Love can't save you. You must save yourself. You must love yourself. You don't have any other choice because this world is an unfair world, and people are inconsiderate and rash and unbelievable and fleeting. Protect your heart, because really, no one else protects it for you. I have now learned this. And I hope I fucking remember it.

Midafternoon

Today, I am nervously excited to start a new chapter in my life. Something happened today that made me realize I am going to be okay, and am excited to be okay. Classes start soon, and I have made new beautiful friends in recent months, and now Katie is here too.

This year is going to be completely different. I am going to have to adapt to be unlike I am used to being. But I am so ready for the challenge.

Stars

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...

Come back.

Weiner Authors and weiner dogs

This girl is bored. She is at work. It is early morning, and she woke up with a headache, which is strange for her. A banana and orange juice seem to be helping her a bit. She is really hoping this headache goes away and she can try to enjoy her last day temping as a secretary for Sandy.

She does not know why she is speaking in third person.

My sister and Andrew came up yesterday and moved all her stuff out. They also took Oscar. Maybe that was part of why I had a headache when I woke up; he wasn't there. I felt very lonely. Maybe it just kind of set me off balance. I miss him already. He's such a great little dog. And since we got the kitten a few days ago, it was so funny to seem them play together (playing together meaning the cat would attack the dog).

Next week Max and I are taking a trip to St. Louis, and I'm really excited about it. And his 21st birthday is tomorrow and his mommy is cooking for us tonight. Should be a nice weekend.

I don't really know how I'm feeling. But I don't need to complain about it. Just in a weird state of Limbo or something, I guess.

I finished my book Good in Bed and am now about half way through the sequel, Certain Girls. I love it. The first one was all about this young twenty something reporter named Cannie and her love life and selling her screenplay and she gets knocked up by her ex but finally finds a good man. The second one is told by two different narrators, one chapter being from Cannie's perspective , the next being told by the daughter, who is now almost 13. And what makes the books so great is that the author Jennifer Weiner used events from her own life (except for having a kid) in her stories, and that honesty is really prevalent. Plus I love stories about big girls triumphing! Woo hoo for being over a size 10 and being beautiful and successful! All hail chick lit!

I wish I could write a great book, or a screenplay. I think I would feel really good about myself and satisfied if I could. However, I'm a sucky writer.

I need to do something, though. This - whatever it is - isn't working.

Well, I'm off to drink more coffee and delve into the adventures of Cannie Shapiro. Happy Friday.