What if it's not enough?

I'm lonely and weird right now. I'm trying to get some work done early so I can properly entertain my dear friend Kyle who's coming to visit tomorrow, and I was doing great for awhile, but now I'm wallowing and sulking and thinking too much. I tend to have a short attention span anyway, but it's much worse when I'm studying or doing any kind of school work. I'm very stressed/anxious/self-loathing right now. My car just fucked up again. I am entering a phase I haven't been in in over a year where my body disgusts me. I spend too much money and it freaks my mom out. I wonder when I lost my independence and could kill myself for letting that happen. I have a test this week and issues with my other class, and of course, we go to Kansas City this week for s.o.s. I don't know what I'm doing in regards to pretty much everything right now.

I have found that I really like cooking for people, though. And there's a gorgeous dusk sunset happening outside right now. And I'm trying to quit smoking. There are good sides to a lot right now, too.

But still, I am in this weird state of restlessness. It's not enjoyable. I was sick all day yesterday and thought I would feel great today. I woke up in a funk. I read everything anyone says as a direct comment on what I am currently doing wrong. I haven't had much of an urge to go out and do anything with anyone. I'm afraid I'm psychologically unbalanced and need to talk a counselor about my spending habits and anxiety or something. But then I think, what's the point?

This is rather depressing. I want to quote something from one of the songs I'm listening to, but I always feel whatever lyrics I put online will be misread. Meh.

I bought a new book today. Maybe that will make me feel good.

Here we go, some song lyrics.

What's the point of talking if that's not enough?

Maybe I'll never die, I'll just keep growing younger with you, and you'll grow younger too. Now it seems too lovely to be true, but I know the best things always do.

[edit]

I fear I'm incapable of learning new things. Like, I could take in a lot of new information all throughout high school, and now even with things I really want to learn about I can't remember shit about. I'm afraid it says something about how higher education isn't right for me. I'm kind of stuck, if it isn't.

New Habit?

For now, I'm thinking that I'd like to start blogging. This is probably due to the fact that it's a lazy afternoon and I have no plans until rehearsal and no real plans tomorrow, and I have been searching for some strong personal creative outlet. I wish I had Sam's affinity for art, or Max's for writing. But I have neither. I just have a big jumbled brain of sludge and unconnected thoughts, and I'll have to see if this makes me feel any better. I've had a diary for a while and barely write in it, so this might be just as successful. We'll see.

Right now, I'm sitting in my living room watching Twilight with two of the roomies (male roomie left for Des Moines this afternoon and is therefore absent). The dog is laying on the chair behind my back, putting a bit too much of his nearly nonexistent weight on me. He's cute, though. He just loves to be around people so much, he's pretty unaware of how much of an inconvenience he is sometimes. I've never seen Twilight, and I think it's one of Roxxy's guilty pleasures. It's pretty entertaining so far, makes me giggle. I remember going apeshit over tween movies like this when I was the proper age, so I guess it doesn't really annoy me. Especially since I actually really like Kristen Stewart. I'm starting to see why the kids go nutso for Edward Cullen; he's much more attractive in this movie than he is in real life.

I'm a little bit afraid of this weekend. All of my roommates are going out of town (probably; one is still unsure) and it will just be me and the dog at the house. I've been getting terribly lonely lately anyway, even with all my roommates here. I guess I know why; I got extremely used to being around that Mister of mine pretty frequently, and since he's away I have extreme bouts of loneliness. Even after just two weeks, I was a pissy little mess about it. But it's gotten better. I also miss my friends back home more than I can even fathom. I hear a lot from my college friends about losing contact with high school friends, but i really hope that doesn't happen to me. I met some of the most amazing people of my life in high school, and losing them slowly over time would absolutely kill me. I wish I had one of them to talk to. I miss my freshman year roommate, Andrea, too. Man, that was quite the adventure. I wish she would visit.

But while struggling with all of this, I realize that I made the choice to be here for the summer, knowing Max would be gone and knowing I would be away from my closest friends. I know I have to grow up sometime, and that time is probably right about now. But I've never been known to be very mature; I don't know how this is all going to go. I think I have this horrible feeling that something bad is going to happen, but at the same time I can't quite figure out what that might be. Probably just my ridiculously strong anxiety kicking in. I wish I could learn to ignore it.

I kind of like this blogging thing. So far, from this one post. Baha. I think I just need to pretend that no one reads this but me. I desperately need to get my thoughts out, rather than trapping them inside as per usual, but I'm always just so afraid of someone knowing more about me than I'm comfortable with.

As I said, we'll just have to see how long this lasts. Just like with anything, I suppose.