I'm lonely and weird right now. I'm trying to get some work done early so I can properly entertain my dear friend Kyle who's coming to visit tomorrow, and I was doing great for awhile, but now I'm wallowing and sulking and thinking too much. I tend to have a short attention span anyway, but it's much worse when I'm studying or doing any kind of school work. I'm very stressed/anxious/self-loathing right now. My car just fucked up again. I am entering a phase I haven't been in in over a year where my body disgusts me. I spend too much money and it freaks my mom out. I wonder when I lost my independence and could kill myself for letting that happen. I have a test this week and issues with my other class, and of course, we go to Kansas City this week for s.o.s. I don't know what I'm doing in regards to pretty much everything right now.
I have found that I really like cooking for people, though. And there's a gorgeous dusk sunset happening outside right now. And I'm trying to quit smoking. There are good sides to a lot right now, too.
But still, I am in this weird state of restlessness. It's not enjoyable. I was sick all day yesterday and thought I would feel great today. I woke up in a funk. I read everything anyone says as a direct comment on what I am currently doing wrong. I haven't had much of an urge to go out and do anything with anyone. I'm afraid I'm psychologically unbalanced and need to talk a counselor about my spending habits and anxiety or something. But then I think, what's the point?
This is rather depressing. I want to quote something from one of the songs I'm listening to, but I always feel whatever lyrics I put online will be misread. Meh.
I bought a new book today. Maybe that will make me feel good.
Here we go, some song lyrics.
What's the point of talking if that's not enough?
Maybe I'll never die, I'll just keep growing younger with you, and you'll grow younger too. Now it seems too lovely to be true, but I know the best things always do.
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I fear I'm incapable of learning new things. Like, I could take in a lot of new information all throughout high school, and now even with things I really want to learn about I can't remember shit about. I'm afraid it says something about how higher education isn't right for me. I'm kind of stuck, if it isn't.
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To comment my lovely cookie, I think we become more selective about the knowledge we take in when we begin to get older. We try to keep what's going to be practical to our lives. So as actors/artists the theatry stuff sticks. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't.
ReplyDeleteJust remember babe that you're quite the smart cookie. And I do adore thee relentlessly. I adore you in the air, I adore you while waving my arms like I just don't care. :)