I'll Be Seeing You

I don't want to blog the way I used to anymore. Sometimes, women's thoughts just aren't meant to be displayed to the undeserving public. They are meant for those deserving, behind closed doors. I think I need to pay a visit to my long neglected diary that sits in my nightstand drawer, desperately missing a pen and some good, emotional, not-a-girl-not-yet-a-woman angst. Plus, my twitter is actually proving to be quite fun, and a good outlet for little things I want to say.

So, possibly goodbye. You, blog and blog readers, are going to have to work harder to know what I'm thinking. ;-)

I want a Harry Goldenblatt.

I think Benadryl gives me the most crazy vivid dreams. Two nights in a row now I've woken up absolutely stunned at what my mind concocted in my sleep. Too personal to blog. :-P

Complexicated

Life is confusing. But these things I know:

1. I am absolutely in love with my friends, who are truly my second family. They know me, and know what I need. I love each and every one of them exactly the way they are, and would be lost without them.

2. My cat is amazing, as are all nice pets, because they love you no matter what. When I'm sad or lonely, Tigerlily's there to cuddle. She is super perfect.

3. I will always buy shoes that I don't need.

5. I like meeting new people that I click with, especially when they are cute boys.

6. I want to feel better about myself next semester.

Otherwise, life is too complicated to make blanket statements about almost anything.

It's nice to feel good again.

I don't know if I'll ever be satisfied.

Not Studying for My Final = Spontaneous Blog

I am such a bad blogger. I could absolutely never be a writer. I just don't usually enjoy it very much.

I'm having a string of good days. Good night last night, very fun and happy. One more week left for finals, then I can take my kitty and my Katie and flee Kirksville for a good few weeks. I am so sick of this place right now. I love the comfort of my house and our Christmas lights and even my uncomfortable bed, but otherwise this place just seems so toxic and suffocating at the moment. I need a definite breather.

No Sound But The Wind by Editors

We can never go home
We no longer have one
I'll help you carry the load
I'll carry you in my arms
The kiss of the snow
The crescent moon above us
Our blood is cold
And we're alone
But I'm alone with you

Help me to carry the fire
We will keep it alight together
Help me to carry the fire
It will light our way forever

I know it sounds stupid, and juvenile, and cliched, and all those other things that I hate and hate being, but I honestly don't know if I'm going to be okay.

Kahlil Gibran on Love

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest
branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become
sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

I think I'm finally pleased with these colors for my blog.

Also: today was a decent day. Not getting my hopes up for tomorrow or the weekend or break, but it's nice to know good days still exist, even if they're not as good as I remember them.

I keep wanting to blog about Skin and then end up blogging about something else, but when I get this week over with I'll have the time to sit down and clear my head and really think about it. I want to talk the crap out of my experience during that show.

Stay tuned.

I wish I didn't get lonely so easily.

I feel like I don't know myself anymore. I want to get back to the happy I used to have, but with someone else. Or with no one at all.

I just want to get over it and move on. More than anything.

Sometimes I hate him. Sometimes, when I think back, I am so angry. And sometimes I am sad, and sometimes I am unsure. Sometimes I feel pathetic and hopeless.

But even when I smile and laugh and am enjoying time with my friends and people who love me, I can never feel as happy as I once did. I can't seem to find that feeling again. And I feel completely robbed of my happiness. As mature as I try to be about it, and as reasonable and logical as I try to be, that won't go away. I feel absolutely used. Used for selfishness and a test of self-worth. Used as a tool for someone to find out what was right for him, disregarding entirely what was right for me. I'm so sick of being told what's right for me, rather than letting me figure it out for myself.

And I really don't know what to do about all of that. It's an incredibly helpless feeling.

This Is The First Day Of My Life

I am posting the following song lyrics, not because I'm trying to secretly say they relate everything my words cannot, but because it came up on my shuffle, and every time I hear this song it really touches me. Beautiful, simple sentiment.

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

[also: maybe just a little bit of trying to secretly say that these lyrics relate things my words cannot :-) ]

Why is it so easy to be honest with others, but so hard to be honest with yourself?

Come Little Children, I'll Take Thee Away...

I'm having a bit of a lonely day, which is sad because it's Halloween. So far I've looked at apartments by myself, went grocery shopping by myself, and since I got home I've just been home alone. I dressed up the animals, I'm baking pumpkin pie, I carved a pumpkin and now I'm watching Hocus Pocus for the second time and figuring how to flavor the pumpkin seeds.

Jennifer and Katie should be over soon, and I hope they hurry. I'm not used to lonely holidays. I know it's bound to happen. I'll have to get used to it.

But I don't want to. I don't want to be lonely.

Hopefully the rest of the night should turn around, decorating more, greeting trick or treaters, snacking on yummy food, then the party. Hopefully it'll be fun.

Happy Halloween.

I am going to be okay this time. There's no need to panic or be scared, because I will be okay. And I actually, really know that.

What's this? What's this? I can't believe my eyes, I must be dreaming, wake up Jack this isn't fair! What's this?

So much can change in a year. I was just talking with a friend of mine about this, and I look back and realize how much has changed for me in the past year. I came to college. I got a role in my first college production. I fell in love and started my first serious relationship. I found out I was going to be an aunt. I spent the summer away from home in a house I could call my own, separate from my parents. I distanced myself from my family. I experienced my first breakup. I rediscovered my independence. I renewed my relationship with my then ex-boyfriend. I had my first panic attack, followed by a few more. Meanwhile, my friends and those close to me were experiencing unexpected pregnancies, engagements, rocky relationships, first college experiences, and in general, big life changes.

I wonder if this is just the time in our lives when the most change occurs. It's probably hard to measure something like that statistically, but I still wonder. The college years. I never imagined they would be so crazy. I remember considering myself to be a pretty level person before college. Jesus christ, that changed.

Life is such a paradox. We're primed our whole young lives to prepare for the future, look ahead, have a clear vision where we're going. Yet, in relationships, I've found it's best not to plan. Looking ahead to the future only brings fear, and questioning, and paranoia. In my relationship, we keep telling ourselves to go slow, not make plans. Plans have destroyed us in the past. Where do you draw the line, though? Because lately, all I've been able to think of is the future. I've suffered and came out smiling of a bit of a crisis with my dad in regards to my major and career choices, so of course I can't help but think ahead. It is rough for me not to then transfer that to other aspects of my life. With everything that my sister has gone through this year, in addition to several other friends, all I want to do is plan. Plan my life out, so nothing can go wrong, I'll be prepared to anything.

Luckily, several of my major role models have had nice long and meaningful talks with me this week, and all have been at the general consensus that you can't predict anything. Planning is nice and well, but anything can happen. Pregnancy, death, change of heart, change of mind. I'm trying to accept this idea for its good and bad points, the bad of course being harder to accept. But I'll try. I'll do my best. That's all anyone can promise.

Right?

Self Help and Cheesecake

I'm going to be honest: I bought a self help book today. Not because I'm severely depressed and hopeless and feel I have no way to deal with things, but because I feel I'm seeing the sun again after a long journey through the dark woods, and I want to keep on that uphill slope. I want to better understand the things that have made me happy lately and why they have made me happy, so that I can continue to live by them. Because I have been happy lately. I have felt independent and strong, yet eager to learn more about my relationship and what things I can do for myself and for him to make this work. I dig that boy.

I had brief panicky thoughts, though, when I was looking at these shelves of books today. I've always felt, I'm 19 years old, and I shouldn't have to be looking at books like that, right? Luckily Jordan was there to instill some confidence in me. There's nothing wrong or pathetic with wanting to better yourself, and gathering advice from people who've studied or lived through similar situations that you are currently living through. I want to stay happy, and I'm trying to be smart about it and think more about it, letting my rational side peek its head above the surface and take some of the heat off my overly emotional side.

I've had a nice weekend. Lots of driving, and my car pretty much hates me, but I actually managed to have a nice dinner with my parents, where I didn't get criticized for doing theatre, or living in a house, or having pets, or a number of others things my dad usually finds wrong with my lifestyle. My mom helped me run lines, and I'm feeling pretty confident about those. I had yummy sushi lunch with Katie and Lindsay, then coffee with my dear Katie. Then I got to spend a good 24 hours with Jordan, my kindred spirit. Too much money spent on food at Cheesecake Factory and wine + 17 Again and High School Musical 2 = a successful evening with one of my best and oldest friends. We went to breakfast this morning at our old tradition, Mimi's Cafe, where we were once yelled at by a snarly waitress named Jan - we'll never forget you, JanPan. Then coffee with Fiona at Muddy's, and now here I am back at home. The only thing I really needed to accomplish this weekend that I didn't was getting some reading done in The Structure of Scientific Revolutions by Thomas Kuhn for my comm class a.k.a. the bane of my existence. I have the feeling I'm just going to sparknote it anyway though, and I'm not stressed about it. It'll get done. Next up for me is hanging out with Mandy, then tomorrow morning I'm up bright and early to go pick up MaxAttax at the airport. I love the airport! And then at some point it's back to Kirksville and I get to snuggle my kitty again. I've missed her so much it's weird.

P.S. Everyone, at some point in their lives, must try White Chocolate Caramel Macademia Nut cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory. I don't think I'm had anything more decadent and delicious in quite some time.

I'm off for adventures with Kaffie. Stay happy. :-)

(not so) new revelation: Actions speak louder than words. I am used to words. Words betrayed me in the past. It's harder to betray with actions.

Here's to hoping happiness is in fact NOT a warm gun

Things have changed. Things have definitely changed drastically in the past week.

I think I am being good about not getting caught up though, and making sure I am being logical, and that I am protecting my heart.

This is so important to me.

I have tasted my independence for the first time in over a year, and it is so incredibly sweet, and rewarding. But I am being smart. And this time, I feel I really know what I want. I'm not afraid to say when something is making me uncomfortable, or when I really need to ask about something.

I am not afraid to exert my independence this time. And this is a big, big step for me I feel.

I want to do it right. We're smarter, better (harder better faster stronger) this time.

And I'm happy. Happier than I've been in months. But it's a happiness that I know comes from both emotions and my knowledge of our history.

That's a good way to be.

[side note: this was extremely scattered and unorganized thought, i.e. word vomit via blog. please excuse me. I hope the message got across.]