What if it's not enough?

I'm lonely and weird right now. I'm trying to get some work done early so I can properly entertain my dear friend Kyle who's coming to visit tomorrow, and I was doing great for awhile, but now I'm wallowing and sulking and thinking too much. I tend to have a short attention span anyway, but it's much worse when I'm studying or doing any kind of school work. I'm very stressed/anxious/self-loathing right now. My car just fucked up again. I am entering a phase I haven't been in in over a year where my body disgusts me. I spend too much money and it freaks my mom out. I wonder when I lost my independence and could kill myself for letting that happen. I have a test this week and issues with my other class, and of course, we go to Kansas City this week for s.o.s. I don't know what I'm doing in regards to pretty much everything right now.

I have found that I really like cooking for people, though. And there's a gorgeous dusk sunset happening outside right now. And I'm trying to quit smoking. There are good sides to a lot right now, too.

But still, I am in this weird state of restlessness. It's not enjoyable. I was sick all day yesterday and thought I would feel great today. I woke up in a funk. I read everything anyone says as a direct comment on what I am currently doing wrong. I haven't had much of an urge to go out and do anything with anyone. I'm afraid I'm psychologically unbalanced and need to talk a counselor about my spending habits and anxiety or something. But then I think, what's the point?

This is rather depressing. I want to quote something from one of the songs I'm listening to, but I always feel whatever lyrics I put online will be misread. Meh.

I bought a new book today. Maybe that will make me feel good.

Here we go, some song lyrics.

What's the point of talking if that's not enough?

Maybe I'll never die, I'll just keep growing younger with you, and you'll grow younger too. Now it seems too lovely to be true, but I know the best things always do.

[edit]

I fear I'm incapable of learning new things. Like, I could take in a lot of new information all throughout high school, and now even with things I really want to learn about I can't remember shit about. I'm afraid it says something about how higher education isn't right for me. I'm kind of stuck, if it isn't.

Muzak

I don't want to talk about what I'm feeling right now. Too much of a giant shitstorm. Instead, I'd like to post a playlist of songs I've been listening to for the past few days: all of them awesome, all of them from Weeds. I recommend every single one of these songs.

1. All the Trees of the Field Will Clap Their Hands - Sufjan Stevens
2. Blood - Sons & Daughters
3. Birthday Video - Joey Santiago
4. Cotton - The Mountain Goats
5. David - Nellie McKay
6. Fake Purse - Joey Santiago
7. Ganja Babe - Michael Franti & Spearhead
8. If I Ever Leave This World Alive - Flogging Molly
9. Little Boxes - Melvina Reynolds
10. The Little Birds - The Be Good Tanyas
11. Satan Lend Me A Dollar - Hill of Beans
12. Bathtime in Clerkenwell - (The Real) Tuesday Weld
13. Fuck, Was I - Jenny Owen Youngs
14. Holland - Sufjan Stevens
15. It Ain't You - Squirrel Nut Zippers
16. Kicking The Heart Out - Rogue Wave
17. Not Enough - The 88
18. Wraith Pinned to the Mist and Other Games - Of Montreal
19. Borino Oro - Mucca Pazza
20. Brighter Tomorrow - Soul Swingers
21. Celia - Toots & the Maytalls
22. Don't Try To Fool Me - Miss Li
23. Head Honcho - DeVotchKa
24. How To See The Sun Rise - Ben Sollee
25. International Small Arms Traffic Blues - The Mountain Goats
26. Julia Florida - Norbert Kraft
27. Love You - Free Design
28. Made - Greg Weeks
29. New World - DeVotchKa
30. Rencuentro - Arturo Salas
31. Russian March - The New Rags
32. Thank You For Making Me Feel Better - Linus of Hollywood

That is all.

I am such a fucking child. It scares the shit out of me. I need to scream or drive or something.

Hacking Cough (good visual, eh?)

I feel I should write since I haven't in a few days. I've had this deplorable hacking cough for several weeks now and it's not showing any really promising signs up stopping. I'm stocked up on daytime and nighttime cough medicine and cough drops, and I've quit smoking for the time being. Hopefully for a long duration of time, but no promises.

I got a small package from Max today that contained an old fashioned mini music box that plays "Here Comes The Sun," a t-shirt that says "Someone In Louisville Loves Me," and a romantic letter. I tell ya, I don't know what I've done to deserve that boy. I don't really have words right now (which is probably not good whilst blogging). I'm just the luckiest girl in the world and need not to forget that.

I haven't felt great about what I've done with Deb, the role I play in s.o.s., so far. There's such complexity to a woman who's lost her husband to depression and has to help her son cope with it while remaining strong. She has to be such a role model; the very epitome of a strong woman. What the fuck do I know about that? I'm a little girl, someone playing dress up in an older woman's clothes. I've never had to deal with anything too big or grown up or scary, and thus remain in my protective child's skin. I want to do something great with this part so badly. I feel like it's a rare opportunity, and it needs to be done right or I'll feel shitty about it for a long time. Meehh.

In other news: my house is a mess, and I have no motivation to clean. Go figure.

In other other news: still no job. Total number of places applied to in Kirksville: 17.


::Later Post::

I think I just realized I judge everyone and focus mostly on the bad parts of people, which makes me hate myself and everyone. I don't know why that happens. I wish it didn't. It should probably cease.

Little. Random. Thoughts.

I cannot sleep, and I don't know why. I hate when this happens.

I feel I have been very judgemental and mean as of late. I didn't used to be like this. I don't like myself. Like this.

Oscar is a bed hog. I much prefer sharing a bed with boyfriend.

I think Melatonin is kicking in. Hopefully.

I read a magazine today that had an article about Michael Jackson and another one about Farrah Fawcett. This magazine went to print before the two stars died. The article about Michael was making fun of his clothes, and the article about Farrah was in regards to her relationship with Ryan O Neal, and how they decided they wanted to get married soon because Farrah wanted to do it before she passed away, even if they had to nod her head for her on the I do's. They never made it that far.

I can barely stand that.

Lazy Sunday

Well here I sit, nearly 5 p.m. and I've accomplished next to nothing on my psychology homework. Plus, I have a midterm tomorrow! Good for me. I don't know why I do this to myself. I know I'm a vicious procrastinator, I've been one for years, and I never feel good about it, yet i can't seem to stop it from happening. I've taken a quiz, but I still have to write a 2-3 page paper on a case study I "performed," (i.e. spied on my neighbors and relating their behavior to psychology), finish a journal entry on two NPR segments I listened to, read a chapter, and study for the midterm. It's not like this stuff is hard or boring. In fact, I find psychology very interesting. So there is really no obvious reason why I do this. Pure laziness is my guess. Something I'm not proud of, but not sure how to cure.

I've been thinking today (and this past week) about quitting smoking. I've tried before and failed; although, failed is a weird term to use. I don't feel like a failure for not being able to do it. I just know that for whatever reason, I wasn't in a good place to quit right then. I think I turn to smoking so easily because if I didn't smoke, I would eat. Something I've battled with for a long time (ha! see, something you maybe didn't know about me! aren't blogs fun?). But I also haven't been feeling great lately, coughing a lot and such, and I'm thinking maybe it's time to try again. Not sure yet though. We'll see.

I seem to be quite indecisive about a lot of things.

I had a nice chat the other day with a friend I've made since coming to Kirksville, someone I consider to be an older sibling of sorts. We talked a lot about relationships and such. Perhaps that's why I'm procrastinating so much; I guess I've got a lot on my mind. About relationships. Not even necessarily my own relationship; I feel that particular aspect of my life is going great. Although I do get paranoid and worry for no reason, something that fella of mine is particularly fantastic at dealing with. I'm referring more to friends, people in general. My parents. And ah, my sister. My dear sister, the friend I've had for the longest duration of time in my life. I'm excited for her, and I know she's excited to. But I'm scared shitless at the same time. I know I have a hard enough time dealing with Oscar when there are other things on my mind (i.e. schoolwork). I can't imagine dealing with a baby.

Alright, "dealing with" sounds harsh. I don't mean for that to sound harsh. But hopefully you know what I mean.

Hoepfully, she is much more mature than I am. I'm sure she is. I pretend to be the more mature one, but I also pretend to be good at a lot of things I'm not very good at. Hopefully this will be the experience she's hoping for, and not the antithesis (I think I used that right).

As for the guy...I've only met him a few times, and he seems like a great guy. Given his background, I assume he'll pull through. And my sister does love him. But just to keep along with my natural paranoia and suspicions, I'm keeping my guard up. And I'm a lot more protective of my sister than I tend to show.

Inner thought to self: You should try for a happier note, Debbie Downer!

Andy is coming to visit tonight! Yay! And Sam and Roxxy get back in town. Yay! Although, I must say it's been really nice just hanging out with Dixie at home. Quite relaxing and fun. We had one night where I made guacamole and she made sweet tea and we watched The Graduate, and it was highly enjoyable. She's great. I know her the least of my roommates, but I'm hoping we can be friends.

I don't really have much else to write about, I suppose. I'm getting a bit hungry and need to get this stuff done so I can not be a party pooper tonight and actually socialize instead of hiding in my room with my homework.

Dreaming of not getting hired, s.o.s., and him lately. Sleeping too often makes me lazy.

Can't find a good way to end this. Hence, ineloquence! RHYMES!

Another Day...

Another failed attempt at finding a job. I'm starting to panic. I definitely don't care about money as much as I used to when I was younger, but I'm definitely starting to feel that adult feeling of worry over bills and rent and groceries. I've officially applied to 13 places. So far, nothing promising. Apparently I am entirely unappealing and unhirable. I feel pretty stupid and scared.

I don't know what to do.

New Habit?

For now, I'm thinking that I'd like to start blogging. This is probably due to the fact that it's a lazy afternoon and I have no plans until rehearsal and no real plans tomorrow, and I have been searching for some strong personal creative outlet. I wish I had Sam's affinity for art, or Max's for writing. But I have neither. I just have a big jumbled brain of sludge and unconnected thoughts, and I'll have to see if this makes me feel any better. I've had a diary for a while and barely write in it, so this might be just as successful. We'll see.

Right now, I'm sitting in my living room watching Twilight with two of the roomies (male roomie left for Des Moines this afternoon and is therefore absent). The dog is laying on the chair behind my back, putting a bit too much of his nearly nonexistent weight on me. He's cute, though. He just loves to be around people so much, he's pretty unaware of how much of an inconvenience he is sometimes. I've never seen Twilight, and I think it's one of Roxxy's guilty pleasures. It's pretty entertaining so far, makes me giggle. I remember going apeshit over tween movies like this when I was the proper age, so I guess it doesn't really annoy me. Especially since I actually really like Kristen Stewart. I'm starting to see why the kids go nutso for Edward Cullen; he's much more attractive in this movie than he is in real life.

I'm a little bit afraid of this weekend. All of my roommates are going out of town (probably; one is still unsure) and it will just be me and the dog at the house. I've been getting terribly lonely lately anyway, even with all my roommates here. I guess I know why; I got extremely used to being around that Mister of mine pretty frequently, and since he's away I have extreme bouts of loneliness. Even after just two weeks, I was a pissy little mess about it. But it's gotten better. I also miss my friends back home more than I can even fathom. I hear a lot from my college friends about losing contact with high school friends, but i really hope that doesn't happen to me. I met some of the most amazing people of my life in high school, and losing them slowly over time would absolutely kill me. I wish I had one of them to talk to. I miss my freshman year roommate, Andrea, too. Man, that was quite the adventure. I wish she would visit.

But while struggling with all of this, I realize that I made the choice to be here for the summer, knowing Max would be gone and knowing I would be away from my closest friends. I know I have to grow up sometime, and that time is probably right about now. But I've never been known to be very mature; I don't know how this is all going to go. I think I have this horrible feeling that something bad is going to happen, but at the same time I can't quite figure out what that might be. Probably just my ridiculously strong anxiety kicking in. I wish I could learn to ignore it.

I kind of like this blogging thing. So far, from this one post. Baha. I think I just need to pretend that no one reads this but me. I desperately need to get my thoughts out, rather than trapping them inside as per usual, but I'm always just so afraid of someone knowing more about me than I'm comfortable with.

As I said, we'll just have to see how long this lasts. Just like with anything, I suppose.