Come Little Children, I'll Take Thee Away...

I'm having a bit of a lonely day, which is sad because it's Halloween. So far I've looked at apartments by myself, went grocery shopping by myself, and since I got home I've just been home alone. I dressed up the animals, I'm baking pumpkin pie, I carved a pumpkin and now I'm watching Hocus Pocus for the second time and figuring how to flavor the pumpkin seeds.

Jennifer and Katie should be over soon, and I hope they hurry. I'm not used to lonely holidays. I know it's bound to happen. I'll have to get used to it.

But I don't want to. I don't want to be lonely.

Hopefully the rest of the night should turn around, decorating more, greeting trick or treaters, snacking on yummy food, then the party. Hopefully it'll be fun.

Happy Halloween.

I am going to be okay this time. There's no need to panic or be scared, because I will be okay. And I actually, really know that.

What's this? What's this? I can't believe my eyes, I must be dreaming, wake up Jack this isn't fair! What's this?

So much can change in a year. I was just talking with a friend of mine about this, and I look back and realize how much has changed for me in the past year. I came to college. I got a role in my first college production. I fell in love and started my first serious relationship. I found out I was going to be an aunt. I spent the summer away from home in a house I could call my own, separate from my parents. I distanced myself from my family. I experienced my first breakup. I rediscovered my independence. I renewed my relationship with my then ex-boyfriend. I had my first panic attack, followed by a few more. Meanwhile, my friends and those close to me were experiencing unexpected pregnancies, engagements, rocky relationships, first college experiences, and in general, big life changes.

I wonder if this is just the time in our lives when the most change occurs. It's probably hard to measure something like that statistically, but I still wonder. The college years. I never imagined they would be so crazy. I remember considering myself to be a pretty level person before college. Jesus christ, that changed.

Life is such a paradox. We're primed our whole young lives to prepare for the future, look ahead, have a clear vision where we're going. Yet, in relationships, I've found it's best not to plan. Looking ahead to the future only brings fear, and questioning, and paranoia. In my relationship, we keep telling ourselves to go slow, not make plans. Plans have destroyed us in the past. Where do you draw the line, though? Because lately, all I've been able to think of is the future. I've suffered and came out smiling of a bit of a crisis with my dad in regards to my major and career choices, so of course I can't help but think ahead. It is rough for me not to then transfer that to other aspects of my life. With everything that my sister has gone through this year, in addition to several other friends, all I want to do is plan. Plan my life out, so nothing can go wrong, I'll be prepared to anything.

Luckily, several of my major role models have had nice long and meaningful talks with me this week, and all have been at the general consensus that you can't predict anything. Planning is nice and well, but anything can happen. Pregnancy, death, change of heart, change of mind. I'm trying to accept this idea for its good and bad points, the bad of course being harder to accept. But I'll try. I'll do my best. That's all anyone can promise.

Right?

Self Help and Cheesecake

I'm going to be honest: I bought a self help book today. Not because I'm severely depressed and hopeless and feel I have no way to deal with things, but because I feel I'm seeing the sun again after a long journey through the dark woods, and I want to keep on that uphill slope. I want to better understand the things that have made me happy lately and why they have made me happy, so that I can continue to live by them. Because I have been happy lately. I have felt independent and strong, yet eager to learn more about my relationship and what things I can do for myself and for him to make this work. I dig that boy.

I had brief panicky thoughts, though, when I was looking at these shelves of books today. I've always felt, I'm 19 years old, and I shouldn't have to be looking at books like that, right? Luckily Jordan was there to instill some confidence in me. There's nothing wrong or pathetic with wanting to better yourself, and gathering advice from people who've studied or lived through similar situations that you are currently living through. I want to stay happy, and I'm trying to be smart about it and think more about it, letting my rational side peek its head above the surface and take some of the heat off my overly emotional side.

I've had a nice weekend. Lots of driving, and my car pretty much hates me, but I actually managed to have a nice dinner with my parents, where I didn't get criticized for doing theatre, or living in a house, or having pets, or a number of others things my dad usually finds wrong with my lifestyle. My mom helped me run lines, and I'm feeling pretty confident about those. I had yummy sushi lunch with Katie and Lindsay, then coffee with my dear Katie. Then I got to spend a good 24 hours with Jordan, my kindred spirit. Too much money spent on food at Cheesecake Factory and wine + 17 Again and High School Musical 2 = a successful evening with one of my best and oldest friends. We went to breakfast this morning at our old tradition, Mimi's Cafe, where we were once yelled at by a snarly waitress named Jan - we'll never forget you, JanPan. Then coffee with Fiona at Muddy's, and now here I am back at home. The only thing I really needed to accomplish this weekend that I didn't was getting some reading done in The Structure of Scientific Revolutions by Thomas Kuhn for my comm class a.k.a. the bane of my existence. I have the feeling I'm just going to sparknote it anyway though, and I'm not stressed about it. It'll get done. Next up for me is hanging out with Mandy, then tomorrow morning I'm up bright and early to go pick up MaxAttax at the airport. I love the airport! And then at some point it's back to Kirksville and I get to snuggle my kitty again. I've missed her so much it's weird.

P.S. Everyone, at some point in their lives, must try White Chocolate Caramel Macademia Nut cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory. I don't think I'm had anything more decadent and delicious in quite some time.

I'm off for adventures with Kaffie. Stay happy. :-)

(not so) new revelation: Actions speak louder than words. I am used to words. Words betrayed me in the past. It's harder to betray with actions.

Here's to hoping happiness is in fact NOT a warm gun

Things have changed. Things have definitely changed drastically in the past week.

I think I am being good about not getting caught up though, and making sure I am being logical, and that I am protecting my heart.

This is so important to me.

I have tasted my independence for the first time in over a year, and it is so incredibly sweet, and rewarding. But I am being smart. And this time, I feel I really know what I want. I'm not afraid to say when something is making me uncomfortable, or when I really need to ask about something.

I am not afraid to exert my independence this time. And this is a big, big step for me I feel.

I want to do it right. We're smarter, better (harder better faster stronger) this time.

And I'm happy. Happier than I've been in months. But it's a happiness that I know comes from both emotions and my knowledge of our history.

That's a good way to be.

[side note: this was extremely scattered and unorganized thought, i.e. word vomit via blog. please excuse me. I hope the message got across.]