Sunday, June 28, 2009

Lazy Sunday

Well here I sit, nearly 5 p.m. and I've accomplished next to nothing on my psychology homework. Plus, I have a midterm tomorrow! Good for me. I don't know why I do this to myself. I know I'm a vicious procrastinator, I've been one for years, and I never feel good about it, yet i can't seem to stop it from happening. I've taken a quiz, but I still have to write a 2-3 page paper on a case study I "performed," (i.e. spied on my neighbors and relating their behavior to psychology), finish a journal entry on two NPR segments I listened to, read a chapter, and study for the midterm. It's not like this stuff is hard or boring. In fact, I find psychology very interesting. So there is really no obvious reason why I do this. Pure laziness is my guess. Something I'm not proud of, but not sure how to cure.

I've been thinking today (and this past week) about quitting smoking. I've tried before and failed; although, failed is a weird term to use. I don't feel like a failure for not being able to do it. I just know that for whatever reason, I wasn't in a good place to quit right then. I think I turn to smoking so easily because if I didn't smoke, I would eat. Something I've battled with for a long time (ha! see, something you maybe didn't know about me! aren't blogs fun?). But I also haven't been feeling great lately, coughing a lot and such, and I'm thinking maybe it's time to try again. Not sure yet though. We'll see.

I seem to be quite indecisive about a lot of things.

I had a nice chat the other day with a friend I've made since coming to Kirksville, someone I consider to be an older sibling of sorts. We talked a lot about relationships and such. Perhaps that's why I'm procrastinating so much; I guess I've got a lot on my mind. About relationships. Not even necessarily my own relationship; I feel that particular aspect of my life is going great. Although I do get paranoid and worry for no reason, something that fella of mine is particularly fantastic at dealing with. I'm referring more to friends, people in general. My parents. And ah, my sister. My dear sister, the friend I've had for the longest duration of time in my life. I'm excited for her, and I know she's excited to. But I'm scared shitless at the same time. I know I have a hard enough time dealing with Oscar when there are other things on my mind (i.e. schoolwork). I can't imagine dealing with a baby.

Alright, "dealing with" sounds harsh. I don't mean for that to sound harsh. But hopefully you know what I mean.

Hoepfully, she is much more mature than I am. I'm sure she is. I pretend to be the more mature one, but I also pretend to be good at a lot of things I'm not very good at. Hopefully this will be the experience she's hoping for, and not the antithesis (I think I used that right).

As for the guy...I've only met him a few times, and he seems like a great guy. Given his background, I assume he'll pull through. And my sister does love him. But just to keep along with my natural paranoia and suspicions, I'm keeping my guard up. And I'm a lot more protective of my sister than I tend to show.

Inner thought to self: You should try for a happier note, Debbie Downer!

Andy is coming to visit tonight! Yay! And Sam and Roxxy get back in town. Yay! Although, I must say it's been really nice just hanging out with Dixie at home. Quite relaxing and fun. We had one night where I made guacamole and she made sweet tea and we watched The Graduate, and it was highly enjoyable. She's great. I know her the least of my roommates, but I'm hoping we can be friends.

I don't really have much else to write about, I suppose. I'm getting a bit hungry and need to get this stuff done so I can not be a party pooper tonight and actually socialize instead of hiding in my room with my homework.

Dreaming of not getting hired, s.o.s., and him lately. Sleeping too often makes me lazy.

Can't find a good way to end this. Hence, ineloquence! RHYMES!

Friday, June 26, 2009

Another Day...

Another failed attempt at finding a job. I'm starting to panic. I definitely don't care about money as much as I used to when I was younger, but I'm definitely starting to feel that adult feeling of worry over bills and rent and groceries. I've officially applied to 13 places. So far, nothing promising. Apparently I am entirely unappealing and unhirable. I feel pretty stupid and scared.

I don't know what to do.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

New Habit?

For now, I'm thinking that I'd like to start blogging. This is probably due to the fact that it's a lazy afternoon and I have no plans until rehearsal and no real plans tomorrow, and I have been searching for some strong personal creative outlet. I wish I had Sam's affinity for art, or Max's for writing. But I have neither. I just have a big jumbled brain of sludge and unconnected thoughts, and I'll have to see if this makes me feel any better. I've had a diary for a while and barely write in it, so this might be just as successful. We'll see.

Right now, I'm sitting in my living room watching Twilight with two of the roomies (male roomie left for Des Moines this afternoon and is therefore absent). The dog is laying on the chair behind my back, putting a bit too much of his nearly nonexistent weight on me. He's cute, though. He just loves to be around people so much, he's pretty unaware of how much of an inconvenience he is sometimes. I've never seen Twilight, and I think it's one of Roxxy's guilty pleasures. It's pretty entertaining so far, makes me giggle. I remember going apeshit over tween movies like this when I was the proper age, so I guess it doesn't really annoy me. Especially since I actually really like Kristen Stewart. I'm starting to see why the kids go nutso for Edward Cullen; he's much more attractive in this movie than he is in real life.

I'm a little bit afraid of this weekend. All of my roommates are going out of town (probably; one is still unsure) and it will just be me and the dog at the house. I've been getting terribly lonely lately anyway, even with all my roommates here. I guess I know why; I got extremely used to being around that Mister of mine pretty frequently, and since he's away I have extreme bouts of loneliness. Even after just two weeks, I was a pissy little mess about it. But it's gotten better. I also miss my friends back home more than I can even fathom. I hear a lot from my college friends about losing contact with high school friends, but i really hope that doesn't happen to me. I met some of the most amazing people of my life in high school, and losing them slowly over time would absolutely kill me. I wish I had one of them to talk to. I miss my freshman year roommate, Andrea, too. Man, that was quite the adventure. I wish she would visit.

But while struggling with all of this, I realize that I made the choice to be here for the summer, knowing Max would be gone and knowing I would be away from my closest friends. I know I have to grow up sometime, and that time is probably right about now. But I've never been known to be very mature; I don't know how this is all going to go. I think I have this horrible feeling that something bad is going to happen, but at the same time I can't quite figure out what that might be. Probably just my ridiculously strong anxiety kicking in. I wish I could learn to ignore it.

I kind of like this blogging thing. So far, from this one post. Baha. I think I just need to pretend that no one reads this but me. I desperately need to get my thoughts out, rather than trapping them inside as per usual, but I'm always just so afraid of someone knowing more about me than I'm comfortable with.

As I said, we'll just have to see how long this lasts. Just like with anything, I suppose.