What if it's not enough?

I'm lonely and weird right now. I'm trying to get some work done early so I can properly entertain my dear friend Kyle who's coming to visit tomorrow, and I was doing great for awhile, but now I'm wallowing and sulking and thinking too much. I tend to have a short attention span anyway, but it's much worse when I'm studying or doing any kind of school work. I'm very stressed/anxious/self-loathing right now. My car just fucked up again. I am entering a phase I haven't been in in over a year where my body disgusts me. I spend too much money and it freaks my mom out. I wonder when I lost my independence and could kill myself for letting that happen. I have a test this week and issues with my other class, and of course, we go to Kansas City this week for s.o.s. I don't know what I'm doing in regards to pretty much everything right now.

I have found that I really like cooking for people, though. And there's a gorgeous dusk sunset happening outside right now. And I'm trying to quit smoking. There are good sides to a lot right now, too.

But still, I am in this weird state of restlessness. It's not enjoyable. I was sick all day yesterday and thought I would feel great today. I woke up in a funk. I read everything anyone says as a direct comment on what I am currently doing wrong. I haven't had much of an urge to go out and do anything with anyone. I'm afraid I'm psychologically unbalanced and need to talk a counselor about my spending habits and anxiety or something. But then I think, what's the point?

This is rather depressing. I want to quote something from one of the songs I'm listening to, but I always feel whatever lyrics I put online will be misread. Meh.

I bought a new book today. Maybe that will make me feel good.

Here we go, some song lyrics.

What's the point of talking if that's not enough?

Maybe I'll never die, I'll just keep growing younger with you, and you'll grow younger too. Now it seems too lovely to be true, but I know the best things always do.

[edit]

I fear I'm incapable of learning new things. Like, I could take in a lot of new information all throughout high school, and now even with things I really want to learn about I can't remember shit about. I'm afraid it says something about how higher education isn't right for me. I'm kind of stuck, if it isn't.

Muzak

I don't want to talk about what I'm feeling right now. Too much of a giant shitstorm. Instead, I'd like to post a playlist of songs I've been listening to for the past few days: all of them awesome, all of them from Weeds. I recommend every single one of these songs.

1. All the Trees of the Field Will Clap Their Hands - Sufjan Stevens
2. Blood - Sons & Daughters
3. Birthday Video - Joey Santiago
4. Cotton - The Mountain Goats
5. David - Nellie McKay
6. Fake Purse - Joey Santiago
7. Ganja Babe - Michael Franti & Spearhead
8. If I Ever Leave This World Alive - Flogging Molly
9. Little Boxes - Melvina Reynolds
10. The Little Birds - The Be Good Tanyas
11. Satan Lend Me A Dollar - Hill of Beans
12. Bathtime in Clerkenwell - (The Real) Tuesday Weld
13. Fuck, Was I - Jenny Owen Youngs
14. Holland - Sufjan Stevens
15. It Ain't You - Squirrel Nut Zippers
16. Kicking The Heart Out - Rogue Wave
17. Not Enough - The 88
18. Wraith Pinned to the Mist and Other Games - Of Montreal
19. Borino Oro - Mucca Pazza
20. Brighter Tomorrow - Soul Swingers
21. Celia - Toots & the Maytalls
22. Don't Try To Fool Me - Miss Li
23. Head Honcho - DeVotchKa
24. How To See The Sun Rise - Ben Sollee
25. International Small Arms Traffic Blues - The Mountain Goats
26. Julia Florida - Norbert Kraft
27. Love You - Free Design
28. Made - Greg Weeks
29. New World - DeVotchKa
30. Rencuentro - Arturo Salas
31. Russian March - The New Rags
32. Thank You For Making Me Feel Better - Linus of Hollywood

That is all.

I am such a fucking child. It scares the shit out of me. I need to scream or drive or something.

Hacking Cough (good visual, eh?)

I feel I should write since I haven't in a few days. I've had this deplorable hacking cough for several weeks now and it's not showing any really promising signs up stopping. I'm stocked up on daytime and nighttime cough medicine and cough drops, and I've quit smoking for the time being. Hopefully for a long duration of time, but no promises.

I got a small package from Max today that contained an old fashioned mini music box that plays "Here Comes The Sun," a t-shirt that says "Someone In Louisville Loves Me," and a romantic letter. I tell ya, I don't know what I've done to deserve that boy. I don't really have words right now (which is probably not good whilst blogging). I'm just the luckiest girl in the world and need not to forget that.

I haven't felt great about what I've done with Deb, the role I play in s.o.s., so far. There's such complexity to a woman who's lost her husband to depression and has to help her son cope with it while remaining strong. She has to be such a role model; the very epitome of a strong woman. What the fuck do I know about that? I'm a little girl, someone playing dress up in an older woman's clothes. I've never had to deal with anything too big or grown up or scary, and thus remain in my protective child's skin. I want to do something great with this part so badly. I feel like it's a rare opportunity, and it needs to be done right or I'll feel shitty about it for a long time. Meehh.

In other news: my house is a mess, and I have no motivation to clean. Go figure.

In other other news: still no job. Total number of places applied to in Kirksville: 17.


::Later Post::

I think I just realized I judge everyone and focus mostly on the bad parts of people, which makes me hate myself and everyone. I don't know why that happens. I wish it didn't. It should probably cease.

Little. Random. Thoughts.

I cannot sleep, and I don't know why. I hate when this happens.

I feel I have been very judgemental and mean as of late. I didn't used to be like this. I don't like myself. Like this.

Oscar is a bed hog. I much prefer sharing a bed with boyfriend.

I think Melatonin is kicking in. Hopefully.

I read a magazine today that had an article about Michael Jackson and another one about Farrah Fawcett. This magazine went to print before the two stars died. The article about Michael was making fun of his clothes, and the article about Farrah was in regards to her relationship with Ryan O Neal, and how they decided they wanted to get married soon because Farrah wanted to do it before she passed away, even if they had to nod her head for her on the I do's. They never made it that far.

I can barely stand that.