Come Little Children, I'll Take Thee Away...

I'm having a bit of a lonely day, which is sad because it's Halloween. So far I've looked at apartments by myself, went grocery shopping by myself, and since I got home I've just been home alone. I dressed up the animals, I'm baking pumpkin pie, I carved a pumpkin and now I'm watching Hocus Pocus for the second time and figuring how to flavor the pumpkin seeds.

Jennifer and Katie should be over soon, and I hope they hurry. I'm not used to lonely holidays. I know it's bound to happen. I'll have to get used to it.

But I don't want to. I don't want to be lonely.

Hopefully the rest of the night should turn around, decorating more, greeting trick or treaters, snacking on yummy food, then the party. Hopefully it'll be fun.

Happy Halloween.

I am going to be okay this time. There's no need to panic or be scared, because I will be okay. And I actually, really know that.

What's this? What's this? I can't believe my eyes, I must be dreaming, wake up Jack this isn't fair! What's this?

So much can change in a year. I was just talking with a friend of mine about this, and I look back and realize how much has changed for me in the past year. I came to college. I got a role in my first college production. I fell in love and started my first serious relationship. I found out I was going to be an aunt. I spent the summer away from home in a house I could call my own, separate from my parents. I distanced myself from my family. I experienced my first breakup. I rediscovered my independence. I renewed my relationship with my then ex-boyfriend. I had my first panic attack, followed by a few more. Meanwhile, my friends and those close to me were experiencing unexpected pregnancies, engagements, rocky relationships, first college experiences, and in general, big life changes.

I wonder if this is just the time in our lives when the most change occurs. It's probably hard to measure something like that statistically, but I still wonder. The college years. I never imagined they would be so crazy. I remember considering myself to be a pretty level person before college. Jesus christ, that changed.

Life is such a paradox. We're primed our whole young lives to prepare for the future, look ahead, have a clear vision where we're going. Yet, in relationships, I've found it's best not to plan. Looking ahead to the future only brings fear, and questioning, and paranoia. In my relationship, we keep telling ourselves to go slow, not make plans. Plans have destroyed us in the past. Where do you draw the line, though? Because lately, all I've been able to think of is the future. I've suffered and came out smiling of a bit of a crisis with my dad in regards to my major and career choices, so of course I can't help but think ahead. It is rough for me not to then transfer that to other aspects of my life. With everything that my sister has gone through this year, in addition to several other friends, all I want to do is plan. Plan my life out, so nothing can go wrong, I'll be prepared to anything.

Luckily, several of my major role models have had nice long and meaningful talks with me this week, and all have been at the general consensus that you can't predict anything. Planning is nice and well, but anything can happen. Pregnancy, death, change of heart, change of mind. I'm trying to accept this idea for its good and bad points, the bad of course being harder to accept. But I'll try. I'll do my best. That's all anyone can promise.

Right?

Self Help and Cheesecake

I'm going to be honest: I bought a self help book today. Not because I'm severely depressed and hopeless and feel I have no way to deal with things, but because I feel I'm seeing the sun again after a long journey through the dark woods, and I want to keep on that uphill slope. I want to better understand the things that have made me happy lately and why they have made me happy, so that I can continue to live by them. Because I have been happy lately. I have felt independent and strong, yet eager to learn more about my relationship and what things I can do for myself and for him to make this work. I dig that boy.

I had brief panicky thoughts, though, when I was looking at these shelves of books today. I've always felt, I'm 19 years old, and I shouldn't have to be looking at books like that, right? Luckily Jordan was there to instill some confidence in me. There's nothing wrong or pathetic with wanting to better yourself, and gathering advice from people who've studied or lived through similar situations that you are currently living through. I want to stay happy, and I'm trying to be smart about it and think more about it, letting my rational side peek its head above the surface and take some of the heat off my overly emotional side.

I've had a nice weekend. Lots of driving, and my car pretty much hates me, but I actually managed to have a nice dinner with my parents, where I didn't get criticized for doing theatre, or living in a house, or having pets, or a number of others things my dad usually finds wrong with my lifestyle. My mom helped me run lines, and I'm feeling pretty confident about those. I had yummy sushi lunch with Katie and Lindsay, then coffee with my dear Katie. Then I got to spend a good 24 hours with Jordan, my kindred spirit. Too much money spent on food at Cheesecake Factory and wine + 17 Again and High School Musical 2 = a successful evening with one of my best and oldest friends. We went to breakfast this morning at our old tradition, Mimi's Cafe, where we were once yelled at by a snarly waitress named Jan - we'll never forget you, JanPan. Then coffee with Fiona at Muddy's, and now here I am back at home. The only thing I really needed to accomplish this weekend that I didn't was getting some reading done in The Structure of Scientific Revolutions by Thomas Kuhn for my comm class a.k.a. the bane of my existence. I have the feeling I'm just going to sparknote it anyway though, and I'm not stressed about it. It'll get done. Next up for me is hanging out with Mandy, then tomorrow morning I'm up bright and early to go pick up MaxAttax at the airport. I love the airport! And then at some point it's back to Kirksville and I get to snuggle my kitty again. I've missed her so much it's weird.

P.S. Everyone, at some point in their lives, must try White Chocolate Caramel Macademia Nut cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory. I don't think I'm had anything more decadent and delicious in quite some time.

I'm off for adventures with Kaffie. Stay happy. :-)

(not so) new revelation: Actions speak louder than words. I am used to words. Words betrayed me in the past. It's harder to betray with actions.

Here's to hoping happiness is in fact NOT a warm gun

Things have changed. Things have definitely changed drastically in the past week.

I think I am being good about not getting caught up though, and making sure I am being logical, and that I am protecting my heart.

This is so important to me.

I have tasted my independence for the first time in over a year, and it is so incredibly sweet, and rewarding. But I am being smart. And this time, I feel I really know what I want. I'm not afraid to say when something is making me uncomfortable, or when I really need to ask about something.

I am not afraid to exert my independence this time. And this is a big, big step for me I feel.

I want to do it right. We're smarter, better (harder better faster stronger) this time.

And I'm happy. Happier than I've been in months. But it's a happiness that I know comes from both emotions and my knowledge of our history.

That's a good way to be.

[side note: this was extremely scattered and unorganized thought, i.e. word vomit via blog. please excuse me. I hope the message got across.]

Give me a reason to fall in love, take my hand and let's dance.
Give me a reason to make me smile, because I think I forgot how.

Previous post = DRUUUUUNK

I am feeling happy. And I want always to remember this, therefore I am recording it here. I need to recall the feeling of happiness. I must always have it with me. I want always to remember this.

I Don't Do Sadness.

I found myself inspired to write in my science class today, and so I did. I wanted to blog; I feel the need to write and let my emotions out, regardless of whether or not anyone else sees what I write.

I usually write in this for other people, which is strange because I'm fairly positive no one reads this anyway. So I'm going to write this for me. I haven't been good about writing in my journal, and I really need some sort of outlet.

I am feeling so many things. Hurt, sadness, anger, insecurity, fear, betrayal. My mind never stops spinning. It is better when I'm with friends, and I have times where I'm happy. Certain things make me temporarily happy. But that's just it: it's all entirely temporary. Loneliness always finds a way to seep in, even when I'm not physically alone. It gnaws at my thoughts like a weed. Panic makes itself known too, in a very extreme and terrifying way where I can't breathe and I shake and sob uncontrollably. Panic attacks. Both times, I didn't see them coming, and had a very hard time ending them. I am a very emotional person, and I often let my feelings control me and what I do.

I was reminded today of possibly the ballsiest thing I've ever done, and it really got me thinking. I wish I could regain the courage I felt in that moment, because oh, it felt so good. Independence, release, strength. These are things I used to consider commonly seen characteristics of myself. I've lost them since, and I want them back. As much as I love Disney, I could throttle the people responsible for making me believe that everyone gets a happy ending, that true love exists, that a story is not complete until the girl gets the guy and the guy gets the girl. I know I am not alone in this. It is extremely difficult to try and understand (or even want to understand) that not every story ends happily. That we are made up of so many stories, and each of them can be important and a learning experience if we let them be. That maybe, things aren't going to work out the way you want them to. That maybe, everything's not going to be okay. You're not going to be okay.

That's such a stretched phrase, isn't it? Anytime something goes wrong, that's the first thing friends and loved ones tell you: "It's going to be okay." So then, are we just supposed to expect that everything is, in fact, going to be "okay" and completely neglect preparing for what else may happen? What happens if everything's not "okay"?

I am not being pessimistic. I am trying to be logical. I usually have such a hard time being logical, and much prefer to be romantic and impulsive. To be honest, I much prefer my romantic and impulsive side to my logical side. But I need to try and realize it's time to face the possible truth: things don't always work out. People leave, lie, and leave you broken.

I, currently, am broken. I have been broken. These impending months petrify me. I don't do sadness, in a specific interpretation of the phrase. I do not handle trauma well, and do not recover well, emotionally or otherwise. I partake in destructive behavior, do things that make me not like myself. Temporary release and distraction can be so sweet. To be honest, it is almost impossible for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. I feel empty most of my days.

But I am lucky. Because people care about me. In particular, a friend who has now become a best friend has been more than I could have asked for. Everytime I drown and desperately need saving, she is my lifeboat. She stands among others, a group of people who have helped me and carried me beyond a place I could ever have asked them to. They are what keep me afloat right now.

And above all, I am trying to recognize that this all has proven to me that I can love, and that I am capable of being loved. Maybe it wasn't right, and didn't end on my terms. But it was there. And it mattered. And it will happen for me again.

I know I will continue to feel like all of this is unfair, that I will struggle with accepting it for, possibly, quite some time. That is my curse. But it is also one of the things I like best about myself; my childlikeness, my preference of romanticism, my ability to be easily amused. It is just nice to be acknowledged. To not deal with people pretending nothing happened, pretending everything's okay, pretending I'm overreacting. I am who I am. And I don't like to hide secrets beneath the surface. It accomplishes nothing.

That, in so many words, is how I'm feeling.